I sent those progress pictures to a few peeps – Sean, Joe, and RC. Joe predicted my stage weight from them which actually led me to an interesting theme for the week – my low self-esteem.
It all started by Joe estimating another 15lbs to stage weight after for so long thinking I had 25 to 30lbs to go. I was in shock! RC and I exchanged some emails where these excerpts intrigued me:
I proceeded to tell RC, “It caught me off guard for the same reasons my picture with my daughter did. I don’t “feel” that close. I don’t feel that small. I still feel like a “big” girl. His prediction put me a lot closer than I imagined or FEEL. I don’t know….. part of me has doubts because of all that.”
RC replies, “You might feel that way even within 5 pounds of stage weight! Or it may be something else that wreaks havoc at stage weight based on the perception of what YOU see. This stuff has very little to do with your body, it has to do with your self esteem and self worth. You can’t over analyze it – you just have to be aware of it and aware of your thoughts.”
Some other back and forth’s took place and then I responded back with, “I’m confused. Here I am thinking I know I have low self-esteem and what you said, and even what I blogged makes sense, but somehow it doesn’t fit 100%, or not 100% of the time? It’s almost like yes, there’s some self-esteem attached to this but there’s also something else attached to it that I can’t place my finger on. Then I think, “don’t over analyze, just be mindful.”
What I realized later was that there is something else going on. It’s a lack of experience. I don’t have a clue how closely those judges will be looking. So, I’m being as critical as I can. But I really can’t deny that the biggest problem that still exists is low self-esteem.
I suppose I was also under the misconception that if for a moment I could separate judging my body image on stage vs. being happy with my healthy body weight I was free and clear of my low self-esteem issues! WAKE-UP! Awareness has definitely been my friend this week.
Thanks to RC for waking me up to be more mindful of my thoughts. Then to my new friend Sam http://twitter.com/slimminsam and his recent realization post http://slimminsam.com/?p=660 . The universe is speaking to me! And I’m not alone!
I had to fill Cooth in on my theme for this week and where and why it came about. When I argued the point that I could separate the two, figure vs. healthy weight, she reminded me how I compare myself to the other competitors and how I feel I don’t belong. She’s right. I had to see the pictures of me standing up there with those 5 other women to really see I did indeed fit in. I still fight with that. I won’t lie. But that’s just it… I guess I feel like if I ignore it or lie about it…. It won’t exist. All will be well and right.
I’ve decided to start a blog on a book I got a while back, but never really read! LOL! Let’s see if this journal will help me in gaining some self-esteem. No need to go into WHY I don’t have any, although I will give myself some credit, is much better than in recent years. I’m moving through and up. J
The title of the book is The Self-Esteem Guided Journal – A 10 Week Program by Matthew McKay, PH.D. I’m not too great at sticking with the blogging thing, but if this helps anyone out let me know…. That will motivate me to stick with it. J I just work that way. Please feel free to join me on this adventure to finding myself – for once in my life.